ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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