Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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