kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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