My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
