I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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