Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
