I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
