She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
