You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize