she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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