he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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