Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
