don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
