Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
