Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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