How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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