He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
