don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
