I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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