So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
