It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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