Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
