What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
