For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
