yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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