I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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