Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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