My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
