If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize