I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
