Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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