cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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