haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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