he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
