Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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