On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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