I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize