Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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