sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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