you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
