There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
false alarm. still invincible.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
