if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
