You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
