i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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