I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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