i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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