i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
