He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
