Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
