it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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