Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
