im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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