I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
