i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
