im gay
i know
yea but for you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
