You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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