Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
