if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
