My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
