When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
