My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
